I thoroughly enjoy comparing grocery stores to relationships. So here is my thorough analysis of past and potential relationships with different grocery store chains. Enjoy!
The high school relationship you want to forget about. This isn’t the good one where your parents were all for it and you broke up in angsty rebellion. This is the guy you thought was super cool because he was a little bit older and lived on the sketchier side of life. He was convenient, up for late night adventures that consisted of just driving around in his car, and everything felt cheap and easy with him.
Boyfriend Material? NO. Husband material? HARD PASS.
Kroger is the high school boyfriend every mom wishes her child would date and marry. He is respectable, courteous, your moms are in a book club together, and he gets you home at least 15 minutes early. Every. Single. Time. You guys broke up in angsty rebellion against your parents because God-forbid you ever do something they approve of. He was a great high school boyfriend, convenient, always there, and so predictable. Kroger was sweet and kind, and though the regular flowers he brought were nice, he just didn’t cut it for college.
Boyfriend material? Yes. Husband material? Probs not, but it could work!
Sprouts was your first college boyfriend. He was a year older, Literature and Gender Studies major who taught you about sustainability and got you into “eat local, think global.” He was great! He introduced you to fair-trade coffee, reusable grocery bags, and really good pollo asada. Your parents didn’t hate him, but his nuance grew mundane after a while. The fizzle faded, and you realized that you still needed more…like shampoo.
Boyfriend material? Yes. Husband material? Sure!
You know that cute guy that everyone has “been with,” but he still has a killer smile? That’s Target. He isn’t around all the time, but he can always be around after a breakup, a bad grade, or some new rom-com that made you have all the feels. Anything you need from him, you can find quick and easy, you and even have a path of least resistance to make sure you don’t get lost in his wonder. But sometimes, the makeup aisle just calls your name, and you can find yourself lost for longer than you like and spending more energy than you previously wanted. So you checkout of the relationship and leave with your belongings… but you know, if the situation comes up where he is again useful, you will be back without a hesitation. Target is old faithful.
Boyfriend material? Nah, more of just a quick stop. Husband material? Once you figure out your path of least resistance and find the clothing sales rack.
Tom Thumb/ Randall’s
He’s got two names. One was his frat nickname he went by in college, but now he let’s you call him what his mother calls him. Moving on up a step! He’s great to be around. You can have fun on the weekends with the wine sales. He has all the essentials you need in a relationship. But after some time, things just get kind of routine. You lose that spark. You have the same dates, do the same things, and the chemistry just kinda falls out. You break-up. Not on bad terms, just like a mutual distancing. He’s still around for a fun night out on the weekend every now and then, but that’s about all you guys have anymore.
Boyfriend material? Yes. Husband material? Homegirl, you still got options.
Though the shortest relationship you have ever endured, it was still an unforgettable experience. You’re fresh out of college, on to the adult world to do adult things like happy hour and yoga. You’ve landed your first yuppie job, and joined a studio as a part of your New Year’s resolution. Also, as a part of your New Year’s resolution, you decided to do Whole30 because you want to take control of your health and wellness, and because your instagram inspiration blogger is doing it too. Then you meet Whole Foods. You thought Sprouts taught you about sustainability, but here, your eyes are opened to the interconnectedness of our ecosystem. Now you’re vegan! The relationship is going great, you’re a better human to yourself and a better member to society. Three months later, y’all get into a HUGE fight over whether or not almond milk is of the devil, and you break up. Looking back, after you’ve had a burger, you realize the situation might have blown out of proportion due to the fact that you were now poor and hangry. No wonder his friends call him Whole Paycheck.
Boyfriend material? If you’re into that sort of thing. Husband material? Get a better paying job first.
Your last relationship was a bit extreme, so you want to calm things down a bit. Trader Joe’s is here to trade out that expensive lifestyle for some reasonably priced grocery goods. You guys weren’t actually in a relationship, because, let’s be real, he never really had anything to sustain you for long periods of time. I mean, how many boxed frozen meals are you going to scarf down before you realize you can’t buy in bulk because you’re single af?! He’s even got 2 Buck Chuck for you to drown your poor sorrows in until you recover from your last relationship. Trader Joe’s is a polite side hug that says “I’m here for you,” but you know you don’t want to be “here” forever.
Boyfriend material? More like best friend material. Husband material? Girls and guys can be just friends. It’s a real thing.
The dad jokes are strong in this one. If you’re in that life stage to settle down, start a family, and stock up on a serious load of diapers, Sam’s Club is your guy. He comes in only one body type: bulk. He is in it for the long haul, and you will never want for anything.
Boyfriend material? Yes. Husband material? He drinks out of his “#1 Dad!” coffee mug every morning.
WIFE HIM! Also coming in at a size: bulk, Costco is in it for the even longer haul. Zombie apocalypses are no match for him. His pizza game is strong, and he even lets you sample the selection before you put a ring on it. He’s a little less soccer-dad than Sam’s Club. He’s more like lacrosse dad with a fine selection in good wine.
Boyfriend material? Swoon. Husband material? YES
You feel that soft money in your wallet that you saved from all the deals at H-E-B? That’s made of husband material. H-E-B has a great selection of wine and craft beer to treat you with, and he knows a thing or two about them. He has a bit of an international food section as well, so you could say that he’s cultured. He’s got the best of your previous relationships all wrapped into one. He’s got decent quality coffee, can teach you the ways of sustainability, and has a good selection of health conscious items if you choose to watch your mom bod. But with his crawfish deals, extensive bakery, and cheap meats, you’re mom bod isn’t going anywhere, honey!
Boyfriend material? Yes. Husband material? Double yes.
Glory to God on high because He has shown favor upon your soul! Amen and hallelujah! Homegirl you have reached the definition of #husbandgoals. Not only does he have a wine bar, an olive oil bar, and an alcohol bar, HE JUST UPGRADED TO A CHOCOLATE BAR! Central Market is absolute bae. He’s got everything. Central Market can show you the world. Shining. Shimmering. Splendid. Not only does he have an extensive produce, cheese, snack, and international food selection, HE MAKES THE SANDWICHES! Glory to God in the highest!
Boyfriend material? WIFE HIM! Husband material? Nope. He’s taken. I took him. BYE FELICIA!
Special Thanks to Matthew Cruz